The different faces of me.. fake or real?

So this entry is dedicated to a friend. How actors get close and start liking each other. Haha, no not really, but moreso how we all act in our own different way.

See, when I was in high school, like everyone else, I was trying to identify myself. Do I want to be the smart, nerdy, asian girl? Or the loud mouth know it all? Did I want to be punkish? popular? Athletic? All these different personas that one can adapt and which one was right for me was really difficult to decide. Not that I had to decide. It all came down to, as gay as it sounds, being myself. The problem was, how could I define it. Which category do I put myself in. Most of high school, I never felt like I fit in. I was weird, and still am. I make wild crackpot theories, make awful jokes, and I am sarcastic to the point where it can be mean sometimes. It's not that I lack social skills, I knew what was right and what was wrong, I just didn't want to do things just because it's viewed as normal. This is how I made friends with the awesomest girls I've ever gotten to know. They accepted me for who I am, and they never really asked me to change. Those reasons are exactly why I have come to appreciated my FWAZ girls + Sam and others. It is them who have seen my obnoxious loud mouth know it all side, wild crazy spontaneous weird side, polite to adults side, and vulnerable side.

But where do we start telling the difference between having different personas in different situations to being fake? All my life, I despised fake and rude people. In all my life, I've only really despised two people because they were both. One of which I had to be in a club with, which ruined my experience in it. But that really isn't the point. I will say this a lot in this blog, but I think I'm a decent friend. I try my best to do anything I can for someone I care about. Whether you be an aquaintance or my best friend. If you do need help, I in no way mind helping you. I am honest. I emphathize. I am somewhat considerate and I will be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.

Unfortunately, there is a line. How honest is one person allowed to be? Is it called being a good friend to support someone in something that you believe is wrong? I suppose it is, but what do you do with that gut wrenching feeling you have in your stomach? This idea of a good friend, is not one I like. I feel fake when I take on this persona, not that I have to do it much seeing that most of my friends make rational decisions. But to stand back and do nothing is not the kind of person I am. I've told friends exactly how I felt and I have been screwed over it, I have stood up for people that ended up backstabbing me, but I still came out as the victor because I was right. I don't feel bad. Because in the end, I could tell them that they were warned. However, with me standing back not saying anything, this makes me feel guilty because here no one was warned. I suppose it can be seen as pointless because one only believes what they want to believe. But how do you decide which one to be?

This entry was written at 12:58 a.m. and not very coherent. I'm just rambling really, but this is something that is bugging me between what is supposed to be a good friend, and what I myself believe is supposed to be a good friend. So anywho, here are my questions for you to consider, and hopefully comment:

"Do you have different personas you take on? What exactly do you consider as a good friend? (according to the situation I wrote about, what would you yourself do, and what would you want your friend to do when they think you are doing something they don't believe is right?)"

In case you don't want to comment me because you think it's private and whatnot, my AIM screenname: playingwithkarma is always on, so you can leave me a message there, or you can email me at playingwithkarma@aim.com. Btw, I want to thank all the commenters, you guys make my day. x)

I'm sort of starting to run out of ideas... So my blog might be slow on updates.. I do know what I will write for Christmas though.. lol, topics I do have are political stuff and seeing that my environmental topic didn't get many responses, I'm not sure if I should post it up. Besides my political views are weird. lol. But yea. I'll hopefully get ticked off next week and have something to rant about. =)