The last remaining hours I have left before I am legally an adult have been spent on studying Italian and hanging out in the computer lab waiting for class to start. I have not had any sleep for the past 31 hours and will stay awake until it hits 12:00 a.m. tonight/tomorrow.
This entry has been pushed back because I honestly didn't know what to write, but the past week, me trying to enjoy whatever I can while I can is basically going to be my topic. So for the past week, I've been trying to milk whatever I can using the excuse of "My birthday is in (so many) days!" And I have been honestly estatic for it. Yet for some reason many of the people I know seem to have no enthusiasm for when their birthdays near. It may be due to my immaturity (though I doubt it because I do consider myself mature, I just act immature because life's a bore if you're a stiff all the time) or it may just be due to me having nothing else better to do. Whatever the reason is to my excitement for my birthday, I think everyone else should also embrace it. You're only young once, so take advantage of it people. Let the people who you love and loves you spoil you for that day or week. I believe you're entitled to that, after all they would not get to know the great you, and you would not get to know the great them. So CELEBRATE. I know I will. At least I'm trying to do as much as I can. I'm having fun and I have yet had a really upset moment this entire week. Besides the fact that I have been awake for the past 31 hours, but whatever haha.
Later on tonight, I will be heading to Santa Monica Beach, or some beach, have a bonfire, dance around it, and at midnight we will rob a liquor store. (I kid of course) but the thought of it just sounds exciting, does it not? And the fact that I will be spending the moment I turn 18 with people who I know will be there for me no matter what is just as good.
Let me put this scenario in your mind, when you hit 40, more than likely, the majority of the people I know will feel resentful because they're getting so old. Right now, you are young, at least the majority of the people who read this are, so what I say now is celebrate being young, and when you get older, celebrate being old. Because both has its benefits. :)
My entry of trying to enjoy life is really ironic considering I'm such a pessimist about everything about life. But the one thing that I enjoy is the celebration of the day when you were born, hah. My middle name should be irony. Perhaps I'll name my kid that. :)
Nothing deep this week. Just more of a belief that's trying to spread to those who read this journal. :) Hope y'all have a good Halloween. (which will be my next topic next week.. I believe)
Friday, October 27, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
My life: n. the experiences of a 17 year old girl that contradicts things that should be ; Ironic
Alright, so I was going to post up some B.S. post this week. But recent events delayed my post for this week, but is a good topic for me to bring up because this was one of the most over the top things that could ever happen to me. Fine, not really, but it sounds interesting, doesn't it?
Now if you noticed my title, you'll be asking, "Linda, *curious tone* why is your life ironic?" Well, person who is reading this, I will first name small little things that will make you say, that in no way makes it ironic, and then I shall name something big.
First, I'm pretty smart, at least smart enough to be someone, but life.. or moreso, I, have decided to waste my "talents" and become a deadbeat teenager. Though I am not proud to admit, at this moment of my life, that is exactly what I am. I could be a lot more better than this, and I know I could, but right now, it's pretty ironic that all of my teachers and adults that have met me say I'm intelligent, yet I have somehow ended the way I did. *I am at this moment repairing myself, and doing so-so. Not my top form, but good enough* But then there's the quote: It is not our ablilities that define us, but our choices. Which is true, and right now I'm not making the best choices. So that's being fixed.
Second, this is extremely minor, on my financial aid form, I somehow ended up convicted for a drug felony. ME. The most anti-(unprescribed) drug person there could ever be. Out of all people, it happened to me. Delaying the process of my getting my financial aid.
Third, out of the entire Phan family, it is my family that is the poorest. (we were rich, until my dad had me.. sucks for my dad. His life is ironic as well)
Finally, lastly, is the main point of this entry. My entire life, communication with my father was pretty much nonexistent. The one day my father decideded to talk to me, I was extremely taken aback. Our conversation consisted of him telling me that no matter what I do, he'll forgive me, and that if I did something wrong, I need to tell him so he can protect me. And because I am his daughter he will never throw me out. So I'm like geez, what's going on. And he tells me something personal, and how he's having some trouble. And somehow, I got involved and he wanted me to tell the truth about anything. So I'm completely confused, because he was being extremely vague. I was unsure about what he meant about me doing something wrong. And he said that I have been receiving calls from people and that I have been calling them back, probably conspiring against him and whatnot. So I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. And we go into this whole deep thing. And I think the whole thing is dropped. The next day, he asks me again, you need to tell me the truth. I'm like I am telling the truth and at this point I get frustrated because he's basically accusing me of conspiring against him. We get mad at each other and the argument ends up with me slamming my door. Finally, today, he tells me what people have been telling him about me and that I am apparently an effing prostitute. um... I'm the least likely person to become a prostitute because I see it as demoralizing. Apparently, my admittance of having money problems to him two days before, backed up this theory that perhaps I was selling sex. I was almost going to laugh. I mean, I was literally going to burst, because this is serious irony. I didn't know what to say, I was like, do you actually believe this. He said, I don't want to, but I need you to tell me the truth, which basically meant he did believe it. I was almost going to yell at him, but I decided not to and tell him that you knwo what, I'm not that kind of person and I talked about self-respect and dignity and whatnot. But I was honestly taken aback that my dad would think that I was able to sell myself like that. It ended with me promising to tell him EVERYWHERE I go, which doesn't matter much to me, because I have nothing to hide. Oh, and also going through the entire phone bill, one number at a time, which ended up with three unknown numbers that were disconnected. So basically, my father's start of communication with his daughter of 18 years started with him accusing me of being a prostitute.
So there's my story of how my life is ironic. Watch, I'm going to end up finding my mother on my wedding day and she introduces me to my half brother and sister and she'll kill my "father" who is really my uncle or something. Ok, that isn't so much ironic as more of a soap opera. But seriously, are you tired of life playing games with you? What I named wasn't specifically a part of the game, but moreso of a tidbit. Imagine it on a larger scale.
So this entry, doesn't really have much of a question, but there's something for you to think about. How life loves to play with you. -_-' Because I know that they love playing with my life. And anyone else I know.
Now if you noticed my title, you'll be asking, "Linda, *curious tone* why is your life ironic?" Well, person who is reading this, I will first name small little things that will make you say, that in no way makes it ironic, and then I shall name something big.
First, I'm pretty smart, at least smart enough to be someone, but life.. or moreso, I, have decided to waste my "talents" and become a deadbeat teenager. Though I am not proud to admit, at this moment of my life, that is exactly what I am. I could be a lot more better than this, and I know I could, but right now, it's pretty ironic that all of my teachers and adults that have met me say I'm intelligent, yet I have somehow ended the way I did. *I am at this moment repairing myself, and doing so-so. Not my top form, but good enough* But then there's the quote: It is not our ablilities that define us, but our choices. Which is true, and right now I'm not making the best choices. So that's being fixed.
Second, this is extremely minor, on my financial aid form, I somehow ended up convicted for a drug felony. ME. The most anti-(unprescribed) drug person there could ever be. Out of all people, it happened to me. Delaying the process of my getting my financial aid.
Third, out of the entire Phan family, it is my family that is the poorest. (we were rich, until my dad had me.. sucks for my dad. His life is ironic as well)
Finally, lastly, is the main point of this entry. My entire life, communication with my father was pretty much nonexistent. The one day my father decideded to talk to me, I was extremely taken aback. Our conversation consisted of him telling me that no matter what I do, he'll forgive me, and that if I did something wrong, I need to tell him so he can protect me. And because I am his daughter he will never throw me out. So I'm like geez, what's going on. And he tells me something personal, and how he's having some trouble. And somehow, I got involved and he wanted me to tell the truth about anything. So I'm completely confused, because he was being extremely vague. I was unsure about what he meant about me doing something wrong. And he said that I have been receiving calls from people and that I have been calling them back, probably conspiring against him and whatnot. So I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. And we go into this whole deep thing. And I think the whole thing is dropped. The next day, he asks me again, you need to tell me the truth. I'm like I am telling the truth and at this point I get frustrated because he's basically accusing me of conspiring against him. We get mad at each other and the argument ends up with me slamming my door. Finally, today, he tells me what people have been telling him about me and that I am apparently an effing prostitute. um... I'm the least likely person to become a prostitute because I see it as demoralizing. Apparently, my admittance of having money problems to him two days before, backed up this theory that perhaps I was selling sex. I was almost going to laugh. I mean, I was literally going to burst, because this is serious irony. I didn't know what to say, I was like, do you actually believe this. He said, I don't want to, but I need you to tell me the truth, which basically meant he did believe it. I was almost going to yell at him, but I decided not to and tell him that you knwo what, I'm not that kind of person and I talked about self-respect and dignity and whatnot. But I was honestly taken aback that my dad would think that I was able to sell myself like that. It ended with me promising to tell him EVERYWHERE I go, which doesn't matter much to me, because I have nothing to hide. Oh, and also going through the entire phone bill, one number at a time, which ended up with three unknown numbers that were disconnected. So basically, my father's start of communication with his daughter of 18 years started with him accusing me of being a prostitute.
So there's my story of how my life is ironic. Watch, I'm going to end up finding my mother on my wedding day and she introduces me to my half brother and sister and she'll kill my "father" who is really my uncle or something. Ok, that isn't so much ironic as more of a soap opera. But seriously, are you tired of life playing games with you? What I named wasn't specifically a part of the game, but moreso of a tidbit. Imagine it on a larger scale.
So this entry, doesn't really have much of a question, but there's something for you to think about. How life loves to play with you. -_-' Because I know that they love playing with my life. And anyone else I know.
Monday, October 02, 2006
The different faces of me.. fake or real?
So this entry is dedicated to a friend. How actors get close and start liking each other. Haha, no not really, but moreso how we all act in our own different way.
See, when I was in high school, like everyone else, I was trying to identify myself. Do I want to be the smart, nerdy, asian girl? Or the loud mouth know it all? Did I want to be punkish? popular? Athletic? All these different personas that one can adapt and which one was right for me was really difficult to decide. Not that I had to decide. It all came down to, as gay as it sounds, being myself. The problem was, how could I define it. Which category do I put myself in. Most of high school, I never felt like I fit in. I was weird, and still am. I make wild crackpot theories, make awful jokes, and I am sarcastic to the point where it can be mean sometimes. It's not that I lack social skills, I knew what was right and what was wrong, I just didn't want to do things just because it's viewed as normal. This is how I made friends with the awesomest girls I've ever gotten to know. They accepted me for who I am, and they never really asked me to change. Those reasons are exactly why I have come to appreciated my FWAZ girls + Sam and others. It is them who have seen my obnoxious loud mouth know it all side, wild crazy spontaneous weird side, polite to adults side, and vulnerable side.
But where do we start telling the difference between having different personas in different situations to being fake? All my life, I despised fake and rude people. In all my life, I've only really despised two people because they were both. One of which I had to be in a club with, which ruined my experience in it. But that really isn't the point. I will say this a lot in this blog, but I think I'm a decent friend. I try my best to do anything I can for someone I care about. Whether you be an aquaintance or my best friend. If you do need help, I in no way mind helping you. I am honest. I emphathize. I am somewhat considerate and I will be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.
Unfortunately, there is a line. How honest is one person allowed to be? Is it called being a good friend to support someone in something that you believe is wrong? I suppose it is, but what do you do with that gut wrenching feeling you have in your stomach? This idea of a good friend, is not one I like. I feel fake when I take on this persona, not that I have to do it much seeing that most of my friends make rational decisions. But to stand back and do nothing is not the kind of person I am. I've told friends exactly how I felt and I have been screwed over it, I have stood up for people that ended up backstabbing me, but I still came out as the victor because I was right. I don't feel bad. Because in the end, I could tell them that they were warned. However, with me standing back not saying anything, this makes me feel guilty because here no one was warned. I suppose it can be seen as pointless because one only believes what they want to believe. But how do you decide which one to be?
This entry was written at 12:58 a.m. and not very coherent. I'm just rambling really, but this is something that is bugging me between what is supposed to be a good friend, and what I myself believe is supposed to be a good friend. So anywho, here are my questions for you to consider, and hopefully comment:
"Do you have different personas you take on? What exactly do you consider as a good friend? (according to the situation I wrote about, what would you yourself do, and what would you want your friend to do when they think you are doing something they don't believe is right?)"
In case you don't want to comment me because you think it's private and whatnot, my AIM screenname: playingwithkarma is always on, so you can leave me a message there, or you can email me at playingwithkarma@aim.com. Btw, I want to thank all the commenters, you guys make my day. x)
I'm sort of starting to run out of ideas... So my blog might be slow on updates.. I do know what I will write for Christmas though.. lol, topics I do have are political stuff and seeing that my environmental topic didn't get many responses, I'm not sure if I should post it up. Besides my political views are weird. lol. But yea. I'll hopefully get ticked off next week and have something to rant about. =)
See, when I was in high school, like everyone else, I was trying to identify myself. Do I want to be the smart, nerdy, asian girl? Or the loud mouth know it all? Did I want to be punkish? popular? Athletic? All these different personas that one can adapt and which one was right for me was really difficult to decide. Not that I had to decide. It all came down to, as gay as it sounds, being myself. The problem was, how could I define it. Which category do I put myself in. Most of high school, I never felt like I fit in. I was weird, and still am. I make wild crackpot theories, make awful jokes, and I am sarcastic to the point where it can be mean sometimes. It's not that I lack social skills, I knew what was right and what was wrong, I just didn't want to do things just because it's viewed as normal. This is how I made friends with the awesomest girls I've ever gotten to know. They accepted me for who I am, and they never really asked me to change. Those reasons are exactly why I have come to appreciated my FWAZ girls + Sam and others. It is them who have seen my obnoxious loud mouth know it all side, wild crazy spontaneous weird side, polite to adults side, and vulnerable side.
But where do we start telling the difference between having different personas in different situations to being fake? All my life, I despised fake and rude people. In all my life, I've only really despised two people because they were both. One of which I had to be in a club with, which ruined my experience in it. But that really isn't the point. I will say this a lot in this blog, but I think I'm a decent friend. I try my best to do anything I can for someone I care about. Whether you be an aquaintance or my best friend. If you do need help, I in no way mind helping you. I am honest. I emphathize. I am somewhat considerate and I will be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.
Unfortunately, there is a line. How honest is one person allowed to be? Is it called being a good friend to support someone in something that you believe is wrong? I suppose it is, but what do you do with that gut wrenching feeling you have in your stomach? This idea of a good friend, is not one I like. I feel fake when I take on this persona, not that I have to do it much seeing that most of my friends make rational decisions. But to stand back and do nothing is not the kind of person I am. I've told friends exactly how I felt and I have been screwed over it, I have stood up for people that ended up backstabbing me, but I still came out as the victor because I was right. I don't feel bad. Because in the end, I could tell them that they were warned. However, with me standing back not saying anything, this makes me feel guilty because here no one was warned. I suppose it can be seen as pointless because one only believes what they want to believe. But how do you decide which one to be?
This entry was written at 12:58 a.m. and not very coherent. I'm just rambling really, but this is something that is bugging me between what is supposed to be a good friend, and what I myself believe is supposed to be a good friend. So anywho, here are my questions for you to consider, and hopefully comment:
"Do you have different personas you take on? What exactly do you consider as a good friend? (according to the situation I wrote about, what would you yourself do, and what would you want your friend to do when they think you are doing something they don't believe is right?)"
In case you don't want to comment me because you think it's private and whatnot, my AIM screenname: playingwithkarma is always on, so you can leave me a message there, or you can email me at playingwithkarma@aim.com. Btw, I want to thank all the commenters, you guys make my day. x)
I'm sort of starting to run out of ideas... So my blog might be slow on updates.. I do know what I will write for Christmas though.. lol, topics I do have are political stuff and seeing that my environmental topic didn't get many responses, I'm not sure if I should post it up. Besides my political views are weird. lol. But yea. I'll hopefully get ticked off next week and have something to rant about. =)
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