It's been awhile since I've last updated, but I've been reading a lot about current events and also been having interesting conversations with people I meet at work (coworkers and customers) and I figure I could finally use this journal again. I'll tie this into my major and my life a little bit. But anywho, if you see my title, I figure because as humans, we need a reason to live whether it be for our friends, family, job, etc., I might as well write down my purposes in life. I have several reasons and I'll stretch them out in a series in the next couple of months, probably one for the next.. three to four months. But today's entry of my purpose in life is respect for ALL living things.
While I had a conversation with Harriet, who recently got employed as well, we discussed our frustrations of being new and feeling incompetent. I was constantly apologetic my first couple days of work because I felt like I was messing up, inconveniencing everyone, and well to sum it up, I felt pretty useless. Which is absolutely one of the worst feelings in the world. I hate feeling useless and stupid. If there is something I am proud of, it is that I am relatively smart. But I was also worried of what my coworkers' opinions of me were. "Oh, the new girl isn't doing her job." "Oh, the new girl sucks at this." etc etc. If you're one of those people who don't care what people think about you, BRAVO/A to you, but for me, for certain people, like my coworkers, I do care about. I get paid to do something, I want to make sure I do it well and correctly so I feel like I am actually earning what I do. So what I do is I push myself to be the best I can be, and BOOM, I have the respect of all my coworkers and managers (who I thought only 3 liked me, but the 4th turned today and warmed up to me as well) :-) If there is one thing I could ask everyone to give me, it is their respect. It's cheap, easy, and so simple. If you are able to respect me then in no way will I have any beef with you. That is all I ask.
As a kid, I despised people who were rude and disrespectful. To this day it still irks me. When someone acts like that it just makes you look like an idiot and honestly, it reflects the lack of mannerisms you have. And note, it also reflects back to how your parents taught you, and the one thing I do is make sure I'm the ideal child (although I'm not) to others, so they can compliment my father as to how good of a daughter I am. (which leads to a huge discussion of how I'm truly horrible and the other person who compliments me is bewildered as to how my father gets this idea). But when my friends (who I'm sure one or two will be reading this) does something that I believe to be rude or disrespectful whether it's just for fun and games, I feel extremely uncomfortable. I am totally against it, and they ask me why, and I don't really know how to explain it. It's one of those things about me that I just stick to. If I want to be respected, I have to in return respect others. I suppose I sound old-fashioned about this, but respect goes a long way.
Respect for me doesn't only apply to people. It also applies to everything htat is living. I know I sound like a tree-hugger right now, but if that's what I have to be called, than by all means. In fact, I don't take it as an insult because I am in fact a tree hugger. I am an enviromentalist and an aspiring oceanographer. I constantly read up on the ongoings of animals and how our environment is doing. The reason why our environment is doing horribly, is due to the lack of respect people have for our earth. People take advantage of our precious land. People FAIL to notice that the earth is less than 30% land. 70% of it is water. If we destroy the 30% of land, where exactly are we going to live, considering the fact that we don't have gills. Or the resources to give the 6 billion people (and growing numbers) the ability to live underwater. Because of our destruction of land, we are now stretching out to other planets and the solar system. It's absolutely pathetic because our land here is still usable as long as we conserve and try to save what is left.
This land is not only ours, but also the animals. It is as much theirs as it is ours. The dwindling numbers of animals is due to our destruction of their habtitats, our hunting and overfishing of THEIR food, and our pollution. In my philosophy class, we had a discussion of whether animals had rights or not. If they should be treated like humans, where they had the right to live and their right to property. Now, I'm not saying we should draw up deeds for every living animal out there, but to allow them to keep their rainforests, to live in their waters CLEANLY, then what is the harm in that. You may not believe that your piece of trash on the floor is nothing, but so do the others, and because of this way of thinking, the trash accumulates and in the end it does affect our environment.
Did you know: that there is a rare freshwater dolphin that lives in China? It has been around for 20 million years, and for the past 3-4 weeks, scientists have been going up and down the Yangtze River and have not found ONE dolphin yet. Scientists will continue to search, but if they don't find any, that rare freshwater dolphin will be declared extinct. That's right, extinct. Are you aware that no animal has been extinct since the 1950's? And that was a seal, and the reason why they went extinct was because humans hunted them. No one hunted for these rare freshwater dolphins, but what did happen was that we polluted their waters, we overfished and left them little food to eat, and to make matters worse, we make them share their home with our boats to go up and down that river. Now take a step back and realize just how smart a dolphin is, their brains are a lot more larger than ours, and yet, we have killed off such a smart and harmless animal. A dolphin people... a very rare and precious animal will be declared extinct due to us.
So you may be asking, dude linda, wtf are you talking about. How are dolphins and respect the purpose of your life? Well, it's really spreading respect for all living things that is one of my purpose. That's why I plan on being an oceanographer/environmentalist. To save what is left of this earth and save animals. I want to make a difference. But I also want to make other people aware so that they understand that they can make a difference. Don't have this mindset that because you are one person you can't do shit. It's bull. Because you are one person, you add on to a number of people who want to help, which makes you this one large group. And this large group will become more effective because you have been added into it. So I mean, honestly, hold back from littering and just respect. That's all. And besides, if you're Buddhist, you're more than likely getting good karma out of this alright? :-)
Friday, December 22, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Thanks post 2006
When I created this blog, I was excited to fill it up with entries of bitterness, hatred, and anger towards the world. Ironically, fate decided to twist my life around and make me... happy. That's right. I am happy. As dull and mundane as my life currently is, I am just glad that all the drama that high school had is now gone. All the pressure and constant thought of being a failure is no longer lingering in the back of my mind. Now I am starting new and am actually doing pretty well. I will probably go through my first semester of college with at least a 3.0 GPA.. probably higher. :) I am getting along with my family (cousin and father), I am just grateful for the friends I have, and school, well like I said, I'm pretty satisfied. So much for bitterness, anger, and hatred. -_-'
Hah.. and my first or second entry was about what, seeking happiness and it's definition? x) I'm pretty sure this isn't really what happiness is, but I'm glad and content with myself and life. This entry is basically an entry of thanks and appreciation to my friends. It will be personal and something I hope that everyone will do once in their life. Just to let the people you love know that you do love them. It sounds corny and dumb, but it's the only way I can show that I am thankful for them.
Lam: My best friend. Every time I thank you I tell you, "I know I'm short tempered, stubborn, (insert bad qualities I have), but thank you so much for being there for me" And I'm sure those who knows me, knows how bad my flaws are, but you get the brunt of it and I apologize. It's just that people tend to lash out on those closest to them, despite their best intentions. I don't do it purposely, but I am thankful that you stick around me even though I do it to you. I know you don't understand what I went through senior year, but you calling and trying to help me was good enough. It really was a tough year for me, and to this day I beat myself over the head for how dumb I was, but you trying to help me was all I needed, and it was good enough. :) Thank you for constantly being there for me.
Sam: My ex-door neighbor and other best friend. I'm always at a loss of how much I owe you and how thankful I am towards you and your family. You guys really helped me out a lot and I don't know what I would've done without you guys. I mean, for a long time I felt hopeless and felt like I would never get along with my father and without you guys, we wouldn't be where we are now. My grateful-ness and appreciation for you is beyond words. Despite your busy schedule, you always make time to meet up with me whenever you could, and just having you as a constant in my life has been great. :) I'm so glad that you guys decided to move to OUR apartment building. Because if you didn't, I honestly don't know where I would be.
Harriet: You're the only person I know that actually understands what I talk about sometimes. That time, when you hugged me, it honestly changed everything for me. Hopefully you'll know what I'm talking about, but during a time when I felt completely hopeless and lost, you really just helped me out when I really needed someone. You and Lam are the people I talk to when it comes to being cynical and completely bitchy. It makes life fun lol. It also makes us bitter, but whatever. Haha. We should be granted with that after what life threw at us. x) Your honesty sometimes takes me aback, but its your honesty that makes me respect you. And truth be told, respect is all that everyone really needs. =) Although I know you think the chances of us being friends till we're old are slim, I honestly believe that those chances are more likely to happen between our group of friends, than anyone else in the world. :) And for that, I am so glad that I got to meet you and the others.
Jennifer: You gay gay gigantic boobs woman. :) Your ability to empathize and just comfort people is amazing. Your hugs are like heal-o-matic or something dude. Thank you for just letting me chill at your house whenever. x) I practically kick off my shoes and put my feet on your coffee table as if it's my own house. But its because you welcome people and make them feel like you're their sister that makes me do this. And I thank you for doing everything you've done for me. Feeding me. Driving me. Don't let your parents make you unhappy, but also don't do things to make them unhappy, because we both know that you got it made. Lol. And its because of them that you got it made. Just know that you always have me and FWAZ to support you whenever you have trouble getting along with your blood family, because FWAZ, is and will always be your second family. :)
Deanna: It's been a long time since we've been friends. What I respect most about you is that no matter what people say, you never waver from the position you stand. You try to be as unbiased and fair as you possibly can and you really helped me out this summer when I was confused and frustrated. You're the only other person I know that is as weird as me.. lol but in a different way. You make me laugh that others can't and I know you get frustrated with me sometimes, so I apologize, but just know that I love you and care about you. :) You know you can always fall back on us when you're in trouble or need help.
Amy: I love talking to you because it's always fun. x) haha. Licking you will always be my favorite pasttime =p I now know how to "control" you if that's even possible. I know that I can always count on you when I need you, and its this comfort that makes me glad I have you and everyone else as my friend. I want you to know that you can always talk to us and count on us no matter what. :) Don't let the past stop you from doing so. It's because of our friendships that make me so happy and glad with my life, and you being one of those people just makes me even more grateful. :) So thank you soo much. :)
Long: The only other person that argues with me as much as you do is Lam. But the only problem is.. is that our arguments are LEGIT! You fool! haha. She doesn't pick fights with me on purpose! =p But I know you're just doing it for fun because you're bored sometimes and that's the only way I entertain you. So you can always argue with me whenever you want. Haha. I honestly never thought I would be good friends with you, but now I'm glad that I'm friends with you because you're honestly a really good friend. :) Thanks for hanging out with me and inviting me to places. :) It makes me feel less lonely =p haha j/m
Ryan: !!!! We've come a long way since pokemon chat. LMAO x) You're the first net friend I ever met and I am so happy that I got to meet you! x) You've always been there for me when I needed to talk to someone and when I'm EXTREMELY bored late at night when absolutely no one else is online. -_-' lol. I just hope that I'm a good friend too =/ I know I'm not sometimes, but yea, I'm working on that. :) (Btw... you're EXTREMELY tall =p) haha, but yea. Thank you for listening to rant and talk about stupid things.. x) Your patience is amazing sometimes that it just makes me wonder if you're truly human =p haha. But yea, thanks for everything you do for me. :)
Robbie: My first guy best friend. I will always remember you no matter what happens and I am so thankful I got to meet you. We've been through a lot of things and the constant of having you in my life for the past 7 years is something I know I can always count on. :) Talking to you and knowing that I can count on you no matter what makes me glad that I have you as a friend. Even though we don't get to talk that often, I'm glad when we could. :)
So yea, there's my thanks post, to the people who I am really thankful for. :) Hopefully I didn't forget anyone.. besides my family. x) but yea. :) Thanks to you people. =) you guys are the reaosn why I am so happy with my life right now. :)
Hah.. and my first or second entry was about what, seeking happiness and it's definition? x) I'm pretty sure this isn't really what happiness is, but I'm glad and content with myself and life. This entry is basically an entry of thanks and appreciation to my friends. It will be personal and something I hope that everyone will do once in their life. Just to let the people you love know that you do love them. It sounds corny and dumb, but it's the only way I can show that I am thankful for them.
Lam: My best friend. Every time I thank you I tell you, "I know I'm short tempered, stubborn, (insert bad qualities I have), but thank you so much for being there for me" And I'm sure those who knows me, knows how bad my flaws are, but you get the brunt of it and I apologize. It's just that people tend to lash out on those closest to them, despite their best intentions. I don't do it purposely, but I am thankful that you stick around me even though I do it to you. I know you don't understand what I went through senior year, but you calling and trying to help me was good enough. It really was a tough year for me, and to this day I beat myself over the head for how dumb I was, but you trying to help me was all I needed, and it was good enough. :) Thank you for constantly being there for me.
Sam: My ex-door neighbor and other best friend. I'm always at a loss of how much I owe you and how thankful I am towards you and your family. You guys really helped me out a lot and I don't know what I would've done without you guys. I mean, for a long time I felt hopeless and felt like I would never get along with my father and without you guys, we wouldn't be where we are now. My grateful-ness and appreciation for you is beyond words. Despite your busy schedule, you always make time to meet up with me whenever you could, and just having you as a constant in my life has been great. :) I'm so glad that you guys decided to move to OUR apartment building. Because if you didn't, I honestly don't know where I would be.
Harriet: You're the only person I know that actually understands what I talk about sometimes. That time, when you hugged me, it honestly changed everything for me. Hopefully you'll know what I'm talking about, but during a time when I felt completely hopeless and lost, you really just helped me out when I really needed someone. You and Lam are the people I talk to when it comes to being cynical and completely bitchy. It makes life fun lol. It also makes us bitter, but whatever. Haha. We should be granted with that after what life threw at us. x) Your honesty sometimes takes me aback, but its your honesty that makes me respect you. And truth be told, respect is all that everyone really needs. =) Although I know you think the chances of us being friends till we're old are slim, I honestly believe that those chances are more likely to happen between our group of friends, than anyone else in the world. :) And for that, I am so glad that I got to meet you and the others.
Jennifer: You gay gay gigantic boobs woman. :) Your ability to empathize and just comfort people is amazing. Your hugs are like heal-o-matic or something dude. Thank you for just letting me chill at your house whenever. x) I practically kick off my shoes and put my feet on your coffee table as if it's my own house. But its because you welcome people and make them feel like you're their sister that makes me do this. And I thank you for doing everything you've done for me. Feeding me. Driving me. Don't let your parents make you unhappy, but also don't do things to make them unhappy, because we both know that you got it made. Lol. And its because of them that you got it made. Just know that you always have me and FWAZ to support you whenever you have trouble getting along with your blood family, because FWAZ, is and will always be your second family. :)
Deanna: It's been a long time since we've been friends. What I respect most about you is that no matter what people say, you never waver from the position you stand. You try to be as unbiased and fair as you possibly can and you really helped me out this summer when I was confused and frustrated. You're the only other person I know that is as weird as me.. lol but in a different way. You make me laugh that others can't and I know you get frustrated with me sometimes, so I apologize, but just know that I love you and care about you. :) You know you can always fall back on us when you're in trouble or need help.
Amy: I love talking to you because it's always fun. x) haha. Licking you will always be my favorite pasttime =p I now know how to "control" you if that's even possible. I know that I can always count on you when I need you, and its this comfort that makes me glad I have you and everyone else as my friend. I want you to know that you can always talk to us and count on us no matter what. :) Don't let the past stop you from doing so. It's because of our friendships that make me so happy and glad with my life, and you being one of those people just makes me even more grateful. :) So thank you soo much. :)
Long: The only other person that argues with me as much as you do is Lam. But the only problem is.. is that our arguments are LEGIT! You fool! haha. She doesn't pick fights with me on purpose! =p But I know you're just doing it for fun because you're bored sometimes and that's the only way I entertain you. So you can always argue with me whenever you want. Haha. I honestly never thought I would be good friends with you, but now I'm glad that I'm friends with you because you're honestly a really good friend. :) Thanks for hanging out with me and inviting me to places. :) It makes me feel less lonely =p haha j/m
Ryan: !!!! We've come a long way since pokemon chat. LMAO x) You're the first net friend I ever met and I am so happy that I got to meet you! x) You've always been there for me when I needed to talk to someone and when I'm EXTREMELY bored late at night when absolutely no one else is online. -_-' lol. I just hope that I'm a good friend too =/ I know I'm not sometimes, but yea, I'm working on that. :) (Btw... you're EXTREMELY tall =p) haha, but yea. Thank you for listening to rant and talk about stupid things.. x) Your patience is amazing sometimes that it just makes me wonder if you're truly human =p haha. But yea, thanks for everything you do for me. :)
Robbie: My first guy best friend. I will always remember you no matter what happens and I am so thankful I got to meet you. We've been through a lot of things and the constant of having you in my life for the past 7 years is something I know I can always count on. :) Talking to you and knowing that I can count on you no matter what makes me glad that I have you as a friend. Even though we don't get to talk that often, I'm glad when we could. :)
So yea, there's my thanks post, to the people who I am really thankful for. :) Hopefully I didn't forget anyone.. besides my family. x) but yea. :) Thanks to you people. =) you guys are the reaosn why I am so happy with my life right now. :)
Friday, October 27, 2006
CELEBRATE your birthday
The last remaining hours I have left before I am legally an adult have been spent on studying Italian and hanging out in the computer lab waiting for class to start. I have not had any sleep for the past 31 hours and will stay awake until it hits 12:00 a.m. tonight/tomorrow.
This entry has been pushed back because I honestly didn't know what to write, but the past week, me trying to enjoy whatever I can while I can is basically going to be my topic. So for the past week, I've been trying to milk whatever I can using the excuse of "My birthday is in (so many) days!" And I have been honestly estatic for it. Yet for some reason many of the people I know seem to have no enthusiasm for when their birthdays near. It may be due to my immaturity (though I doubt it because I do consider myself mature, I just act immature because life's a bore if you're a stiff all the time) or it may just be due to me having nothing else better to do. Whatever the reason is to my excitement for my birthday, I think everyone else should also embrace it. You're only young once, so take advantage of it people. Let the people who you love and loves you spoil you for that day or week. I believe you're entitled to that, after all they would not get to know the great you, and you would not get to know the great them. So CELEBRATE. I know I will. At least I'm trying to do as much as I can. I'm having fun and I have yet had a really upset moment this entire week. Besides the fact that I have been awake for the past 31 hours, but whatever haha.
Later on tonight, I will be heading to Santa Monica Beach, or some beach, have a bonfire, dance around it, and at midnight we will rob a liquor store. (I kid of course) but the thought of it just sounds exciting, does it not? And the fact that I will be spending the moment I turn 18 with people who I know will be there for me no matter what is just as good.
Let me put this scenario in your mind, when you hit 40, more than likely, the majority of the people I know will feel resentful because they're getting so old. Right now, you are young, at least the majority of the people who read this are, so what I say now is celebrate being young, and when you get older, celebrate being old. Because both has its benefits. :)
My entry of trying to enjoy life is really ironic considering I'm such a pessimist about everything about life. But the one thing that I enjoy is the celebration of the day when you were born, hah. My middle name should be irony. Perhaps I'll name my kid that. :)
Nothing deep this week. Just more of a belief that's trying to spread to those who read this journal. :) Hope y'all have a good Halloween. (which will be my next topic next week.. I believe)
This entry has been pushed back because I honestly didn't know what to write, but the past week, me trying to enjoy whatever I can while I can is basically going to be my topic. So for the past week, I've been trying to milk whatever I can using the excuse of "My birthday is in (so many) days!" And I have been honestly estatic for it. Yet for some reason many of the people I know seem to have no enthusiasm for when their birthdays near. It may be due to my immaturity (though I doubt it because I do consider myself mature, I just act immature because life's a bore if you're a stiff all the time) or it may just be due to me having nothing else better to do. Whatever the reason is to my excitement for my birthday, I think everyone else should also embrace it. You're only young once, so take advantage of it people. Let the people who you love and loves you spoil you for that day or week. I believe you're entitled to that, after all they would not get to know the great you, and you would not get to know the great them. So CELEBRATE. I know I will. At least I'm trying to do as much as I can. I'm having fun and I have yet had a really upset moment this entire week. Besides the fact that I have been awake for the past 31 hours, but whatever haha.
Later on tonight, I will be heading to Santa Monica Beach, or some beach, have a bonfire, dance around it, and at midnight we will rob a liquor store. (I kid of course) but the thought of it just sounds exciting, does it not? And the fact that I will be spending the moment I turn 18 with people who I know will be there for me no matter what is just as good.
Let me put this scenario in your mind, when you hit 40, more than likely, the majority of the people I know will feel resentful because they're getting so old. Right now, you are young, at least the majority of the people who read this are, so what I say now is celebrate being young, and when you get older, celebrate being old. Because both has its benefits. :)
My entry of trying to enjoy life is really ironic considering I'm such a pessimist about everything about life. But the one thing that I enjoy is the celebration of the day when you were born, hah. My middle name should be irony. Perhaps I'll name my kid that. :)
Nothing deep this week. Just more of a belief that's trying to spread to those who read this journal. :) Hope y'all have a good Halloween. (which will be my next topic next week.. I believe)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
My life: n. the experiences of a 17 year old girl that contradicts things that should be ; Ironic
Alright, so I was going to post up some B.S. post this week. But recent events delayed my post for this week, but is a good topic for me to bring up because this was one of the most over the top things that could ever happen to me. Fine, not really, but it sounds interesting, doesn't it?
Now if you noticed my title, you'll be asking, "Linda, *curious tone* why is your life ironic?" Well, person who is reading this, I will first name small little things that will make you say, that in no way makes it ironic, and then I shall name something big.
First, I'm pretty smart, at least smart enough to be someone, but life.. or moreso, I, have decided to waste my "talents" and become a deadbeat teenager. Though I am not proud to admit, at this moment of my life, that is exactly what I am. I could be a lot more better than this, and I know I could, but right now, it's pretty ironic that all of my teachers and adults that have met me say I'm intelligent, yet I have somehow ended the way I did. *I am at this moment repairing myself, and doing so-so. Not my top form, but good enough* But then there's the quote: It is not our ablilities that define us, but our choices. Which is true, and right now I'm not making the best choices. So that's being fixed.
Second, this is extremely minor, on my financial aid form, I somehow ended up convicted for a drug felony. ME. The most anti-(unprescribed) drug person there could ever be. Out of all people, it happened to me. Delaying the process of my getting my financial aid.
Third, out of the entire Phan family, it is my family that is the poorest. (we were rich, until my dad had me.. sucks for my dad. His life is ironic as well)
Finally, lastly, is the main point of this entry. My entire life, communication with my father was pretty much nonexistent. The one day my father decideded to talk to me, I was extremely taken aback. Our conversation consisted of him telling me that no matter what I do, he'll forgive me, and that if I did something wrong, I need to tell him so he can protect me. And because I am his daughter he will never throw me out. So I'm like geez, what's going on. And he tells me something personal, and how he's having some trouble. And somehow, I got involved and he wanted me to tell the truth about anything. So I'm completely confused, because he was being extremely vague. I was unsure about what he meant about me doing something wrong. And he said that I have been receiving calls from people and that I have been calling them back, probably conspiring against him and whatnot. So I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. And we go into this whole deep thing. And I think the whole thing is dropped. The next day, he asks me again, you need to tell me the truth. I'm like I am telling the truth and at this point I get frustrated because he's basically accusing me of conspiring against him. We get mad at each other and the argument ends up with me slamming my door. Finally, today, he tells me what people have been telling him about me and that I am apparently an effing prostitute. um... I'm the least likely person to become a prostitute because I see it as demoralizing. Apparently, my admittance of having money problems to him two days before, backed up this theory that perhaps I was selling sex. I was almost going to laugh. I mean, I was literally going to burst, because this is serious irony. I didn't know what to say, I was like, do you actually believe this. He said, I don't want to, but I need you to tell me the truth, which basically meant he did believe it. I was almost going to yell at him, but I decided not to and tell him that you knwo what, I'm not that kind of person and I talked about self-respect and dignity and whatnot. But I was honestly taken aback that my dad would think that I was able to sell myself like that. It ended with me promising to tell him EVERYWHERE I go, which doesn't matter much to me, because I have nothing to hide. Oh, and also going through the entire phone bill, one number at a time, which ended up with three unknown numbers that were disconnected. So basically, my father's start of communication with his daughter of 18 years started with him accusing me of being a prostitute.
So there's my story of how my life is ironic. Watch, I'm going to end up finding my mother on my wedding day and she introduces me to my half brother and sister and she'll kill my "father" who is really my uncle or something. Ok, that isn't so much ironic as more of a soap opera. But seriously, are you tired of life playing games with you? What I named wasn't specifically a part of the game, but moreso of a tidbit. Imagine it on a larger scale.
So this entry, doesn't really have much of a question, but there's something for you to think about. How life loves to play with you. -_-' Because I know that they love playing with my life. And anyone else I know.
Now if you noticed my title, you'll be asking, "Linda, *curious tone* why is your life ironic?" Well, person who is reading this, I will first name small little things that will make you say, that in no way makes it ironic, and then I shall name something big.
First, I'm pretty smart, at least smart enough to be someone, but life.. or moreso, I, have decided to waste my "talents" and become a deadbeat teenager. Though I am not proud to admit, at this moment of my life, that is exactly what I am. I could be a lot more better than this, and I know I could, but right now, it's pretty ironic that all of my teachers and adults that have met me say I'm intelligent, yet I have somehow ended the way I did. *I am at this moment repairing myself, and doing so-so. Not my top form, but good enough* But then there's the quote: It is not our ablilities that define us, but our choices. Which is true, and right now I'm not making the best choices. So that's being fixed.
Second, this is extremely minor, on my financial aid form, I somehow ended up convicted for a drug felony. ME. The most anti-(unprescribed) drug person there could ever be. Out of all people, it happened to me. Delaying the process of my getting my financial aid.
Third, out of the entire Phan family, it is my family that is the poorest. (we were rich, until my dad had me.. sucks for my dad. His life is ironic as well)
Finally, lastly, is the main point of this entry. My entire life, communication with my father was pretty much nonexistent. The one day my father decideded to talk to me, I was extremely taken aback. Our conversation consisted of him telling me that no matter what I do, he'll forgive me, and that if I did something wrong, I need to tell him so he can protect me. And because I am his daughter he will never throw me out. So I'm like geez, what's going on. And he tells me something personal, and how he's having some trouble. And somehow, I got involved and he wanted me to tell the truth about anything. So I'm completely confused, because he was being extremely vague. I was unsure about what he meant about me doing something wrong. And he said that I have been receiving calls from people and that I have been calling them back, probably conspiring against him and whatnot. So I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. And we go into this whole deep thing. And I think the whole thing is dropped. The next day, he asks me again, you need to tell me the truth. I'm like I am telling the truth and at this point I get frustrated because he's basically accusing me of conspiring against him. We get mad at each other and the argument ends up with me slamming my door. Finally, today, he tells me what people have been telling him about me and that I am apparently an effing prostitute. um... I'm the least likely person to become a prostitute because I see it as demoralizing. Apparently, my admittance of having money problems to him two days before, backed up this theory that perhaps I was selling sex. I was almost going to laugh. I mean, I was literally going to burst, because this is serious irony. I didn't know what to say, I was like, do you actually believe this. He said, I don't want to, but I need you to tell me the truth, which basically meant he did believe it. I was almost going to yell at him, but I decided not to and tell him that you knwo what, I'm not that kind of person and I talked about self-respect and dignity and whatnot. But I was honestly taken aback that my dad would think that I was able to sell myself like that. It ended with me promising to tell him EVERYWHERE I go, which doesn't matter much to me, because I have nothing to hide. Oh, and also going through the entire phone bill, one number at a time, which ended up with three unknown numbers that were disconnected. So basically, my father's start of communication with his daughter of 18 years started with him accusing me of being a prostitute.
So there's my story of how my life is ironic. Watch, I'm going to end up finding my mother on my wedding day and she introduces me to my half brother and sister and she'll kill my "father" who is really my uncle or something. Ok, that isn't so much ironic as more of a soap opera. But seriously, are you tired of life playing games with you? What I named wasn't specifically a part of the game, but moreso of a tidbit. Imagine it on a larger scale.
So this entry, doesn't really have much of a question, but there's something for you to think about. How life loves to play with you. -_-' Because I know that they love playing with my life. And anyone else I know.
Monday, October 02, 2006
The different faces of me.. fake or real?
So this entry is dedicated to a friend. How actors get close and start liking each other. Haha, no not really, but moreso how we all act in our own different way.
See, when I was in high school, like everyone else, I was trying to identify myself. Do I want to be the smart, nerdy, asian girl? Or the loud mouth know it all? Did I want to be punkish? popular? Athletic? All these different personas that one can adapt and which one was right for me was really difficult to decide. Not that I had to decide. It all came down to, as gay as it sounds, being myself. The problem was, how could I define it. Which category do I put myself in. Most of high school, I never felt like I fit in. I was weird, and still am. I make wild crackpot theories, make awful jokes, and I am sarcastic to the point where it can be mean sometimes. It's not that I lack social skills, I knew what was right and what was wrong, I just didn't want to do things just because it's viewed as normal. This is how I made friends with the awesomest girls I've ever gotten to know. They accepted me for who I am, and they never really asked me to change. Those reasons are exactly why I have come to appreciated my FWAZ girls + Sam and others. It is them who have seen my obnoxious loud mouth know it all side, wild crazy spontaneous weird side, polite to adults side, and vulnerable side.
But where do we start telling the difference between having different personas in different situations to being fake? All my life, I despised fake and rude people. In all my life, I've only really despised two people because they were both. One of which I had to be in a club with, which ruined my experience in it. But that really isn't the point. I will say this a lot in this blog, but I think I'm a decent friend. I try my best to do anything I can for someone I care about. Whether you be an aquaintance or my best friend. If you do need help, I in no way mind helping you. I am honest. I emphathize. I am somewhat considerate and I will be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.
Unfortunately, there is a line. How honest is one person allowed to be? Is it called being a good friend to support someone in something that you believe is wrong? I suppose it is, but what do you do with that gut wrenching feeling you have in your stomach? This idea of a good friend, is not one I like. I feel fake when I take on this persona, not that I have to do it much seeing that most of my friends make rational decisions. But to stand back and do nothing is not the kind of person I am. I've told friends exactly how I felt and I have been screwed over it, I have stood up for people that ended up backstabbing me, but I still came out as the victor because I was right. I don't feel bad. Because in the end, I could tell them that they were warned. However, with me standing back not saying anything, this makes me feel guilty because here no one was warned. I suppose it can be seen as pointless because one only believes what they want to believe. But how do you decide which one to be?
This entry was written at 12:58 a.m. and not very coherent. I'm just rambling really, but this is something that is bugging me between what is supposed to be a good friend, and what I myself believe is supposed to be a good friend. So anywho, here are my questions for you to consider, and hopefully comment:
"Do you have different personas you take on? What exactly do you consider as a good friend? (according to the situation I wrote about, what would you yourself do, and what would you want your friend to do when they think you are doing something they don't believe is right?)"
In case you don't want to comment me because you think it's private and whatnot, my AIM screenname: playingwithkarma is always on, so you can leave me a message there, or you can email me at playingwithkarma@aim.com. Btw, I want to thank all the commenters, you guys make my day. x)
I'm sort of starting to run out of ideas... So my blog might be slow on updates.. I do know what I will write for Christmas though.. lol, topics I do have are political stuff and seeing that my environmental topic didn't get many responses, I'm not sure if I should post it up. Besides my political views are weird. lol. But yea. I'll hopefully get ticked off next week and have something to rant about. =)
See, when I was in high school, like everyone else, I was trying to identify myself. Do I want to be the smart, nerdy, asian girl? Or the loud mouth know it all? Did I want to be punkish? popular? Athletic? All these different personas that one can adapt and which one was right for me was really difficult to decide. Not that I had to decide. It all came down to, as gay as it sounds, being myself. The problem was, how could I define it. Which category do I put myself in. Most of high school, I never felt like I fit in. I was weird, and still am. I make wild crackpot theories, make awful jokes, and I am sarcastic to the point where it can be mean sometimes. It's not that I lack social skills, I knew what was right and what was wrong, I just didn't want to do things just because it's viewed as normal. This is how I made friends with the awesomest girls I've ever gotten to know. They accepted me for who I am, and they never really asked me to change. Those reasons are exactly why I have come to appreciated my FWAZ girls + Sam and others. It is them who have seen my obnoxious loud mouth know it all side, wild crazy spontaneous weird side, polite to adults side, and vulnerable side.
But where do we start telling the difference between having different personas in different situations to being fake? All my life, I despised fake and rude people. In all my life, I've only really despised two people because they were both. One of which I had to be in a club with, which ruined my experience in it. But that really isn't the point. I will say this a lot in this blog, but I think I'm a decent friend. I try my best to do anything I can for someone I care about. Whether you be an aquaintance or my best friend. If you do need help, I in no way mind helping you. I am honest. I emphathize. I am somewhat considerate and I will be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.
Unfortunately, there is a line. How honest is one person allowed to be? Is it called being a good friend to support someone in something that you believe is wrong? I suppose it is, but what do you do with that gut wrenching feeling you have in your stomach? This idea of a good friend, is not one I like. I feel fake when I take on this persona, not that I have to do it much seeing that most of my friends make rational decisions. But to stand back and do nothing is not the kind of person I am. I've told friends exactly how I felt and I have been screwed over it, I have stood up for people that ended up backstabbing me, but I still came out as the victor because I was right. I don't feel bad. Because in the end, I could tell them that they were warned. However, with me standing back not saying anything, this makes me feel guilty because here no one was warned. I suppose it can be seen as pointless because one only believes what they want to believe. But how do you decide which one to be?
This entry was written at 12:58 a.m. and not very coherent. I'm just rambling really, but this is something that is bugging me between what is supposed to be a good friend, and what I myself believe is supposed to be a good friend. So anywho, here are my questions for you to consider, and hopefully comment:
"Do you have different personas you take on? What exactly do you consider as a good friend? (according to the situation I wrote about, what would you yourself do, and what would you want your friend to do when they think you are doing something they don't believe is right?)"
In case you don't want to comment me because you think it's private and whatnot, my AIM screenname: playingwithkarma is always on, so you can leave me a message there, or you can email me at playingwithkarma@aim.com. Btw, I want to thank all the commenters, you guys make my day. x)
I'm sort of starting to run out of ideas... So my blog might be slow on updates.. I do know what I will write for Christmas though.. lol, topics I do have are political stuff and seeing that my environmental topic didn't get many responses, I'm not sure if I should post it up. Besides my political views are weird. lol. But yea. I'll hopefully get ticked off next week and have something to rant about. =)
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Teenagers and their abuse of love
Fine. I apologize for the crap of an entry I posted. It really was a bad one, and my heart wasn't really in it. I just wanted to try to get an entry up every week. The previous entry was more of a proclamation of love for Grey's Anatomy then an actual entry, which should've been posted in my livejournal. So I apologize. haha.
Anyway, this next subject touches a little close to my heart. Personally, I am not a lovey-dovey kind of girl. I don't believe in that wishy washy romance. As much as I enjoy watching it in K-Dramas, the fact of the matter is that it doesn't exist in the real world. Being a teenager, I find it impossible for someone to find someone they love at such a young age. You like them? WOW! Good for you. But love them? Now you're just pushing it. I might believe it, if you.. dated for a long time, and then decided to get together. Or if you were friends for a long time, and decided to give it a go. Then I might even believe that you two crazy lovebirds were meant to be together. But I have seen way too many proclamations of love and way too many breakups to actually believe that teenagers are capable of love. The only thing that most teenagers are capable of is lust. That's the end of it.
In the past, I have had a friend choose a guy over me and other friends. I "understood". It's all I could do. But ever since then, I learned. If I have a friend that does that, that person will no longer be my friend. It's my own personal belief. If you are my friend, more than likely, I will trust you more than no other. I will be there for you as much as I can. Friendships are one of the top things that I think are important in my life, next to family. And if you do anything to violate this trust, such as let a guy get in between us, then fuck this shit. I'm sorry. That's the end of it. I won't hate you. I won't stop talking to you. But I will distance myself emotionally as far away from you as I possibly can. I think I can be a reasonable person. Sometimes. I try to think out. I try to emphasize and think on how the other person feels. And I have way too many times. When it comes to love, I can understand the first couple of months of giddiness, happiness, and just pure bliss. But it's after those couple of months that I notice where all the trouble begins. And if you're able to stick through that, then I can totally see where your proclamation of love comes from. But if you're barely able to stick through it for two months? three months? Then do not joke with me about this bullshit.
Alright, so here's my question for you guys:
"What do you guys think about love?"
I believe that you are able to love more than one person.. but I also thinks it takes time. I believe that you like a person, but in order for like to become love, it just has to take time. I get annoyed finding people proclaiming their love to each other, because seriously? I mean, seriously? You barely known each other for a month and you're going to proclaim your love to each other. No. Don't give me that bullshit. It's that stupid pure bliss feeling talking, and I am not that kind to believe that. Wait till the pure bliss feeling is over. Then I will believe you. Then I will take into account that you guys actually do like each other. The word love is just thrown out there way too much and it pisses me off.
A word that's suppose to be special is being way too abused. Abused by the young immature teenage mind. Abused by men who just wants to get into women's pants. It's just not special anymore and it makes me sad. Ever since freshmen year of high school, I have become a pessmistic about love. The idea of love. Those little proclamations I see in people's profile on AIM, pisses the hell outta me sometimes, because the next day, those dates are gone. Never to be seen again. It's just getting too ridiculous. So people. please. When you say love. Try to mean it. Try to really think about it before you actually say something. Don't let those first few months of happiness fool you into believing that you two are in love. Wait till it gets hard and you guys are there for each other. Just wait before saying something. Because honestly, the ones that don't, in my opinion are just plain stupid. That's the plain and honest truth.
Anyway, this next subject touches a little close to my heart. Personally, I am not a lovey-dovey kind of girl. I don't believe in that wishy washy romance. As much as I enjoy watching it in K-Dramas, the fact of the matter is that it doesn't exist in the real world. Being a teenager, I find it impossible for someone to find someone they love at such a young age. You like them? WOW! Good for you. But love them? Now you're just pushing it. I might believe it, if you.. dated for a long time, and then decided to get together. Or if you were friends for a long time, and decided to give it a go. Then I might even believe that you two crazy lovebirds were meant to be together. But I have seen way too many proclamations of love and way too many breakups to actually believe that teenagers are capable of love. The only thing that most teenagers are capable of is lust. That's the end of it.
In the past, I have had a friend choose a guy over me and other friends. I "understood". It's all I could do. But ever since then, I learned. If I have a friend that does that, that person will no longer be my friend. It's my own personal belief. If you are my friend, more than likely, I will trust you more than no other. I will be there for you as much as I can. Friendships are one of the top things that I think are important in my life, next to family. And if you do anything to violate this trust, such as let a guy get in between us, then fuck this shit. I'm sorry. That's the end of it. I won't hate you. I won't stop talking to you. But I will distance myself emotionally as far away from you as I possibly can. I think I can be a reasonable person. Sometimes. I try to think out. I try to emphasize and think on how the other person feels. And I have way too many times. When it comes to love, I can understand the first couple of months of giddiness, happiness, and just pure bliss. But it's after those couple of months that I notice where all the trouble begins. And if you're able to stick through that, then I can totally see where your proclamation of love comes from. But if you're barely able to stick through it for two months? three months? Then do not joke with me about this bullshit.
Alright, so here's my question for you guys:
"What do you guys think about love?"
I believe that you are able to love more than one person.. but I also thinks it takes time. I believe that you like a person, but in order for like to become love, it just has to take time. I get annoyed finding people proclaiming their love to each other, because seriously? I mean, seriously? You barely known each other for a month and you're going to proclaim your love to each other. No. Don't give me that bullshit. It's that stupid pure bliss feeling talking, and I am not that kind to believe that. Wait till the pure bliss feeling is over. Then I will believe you. Then I will take into account that you guys actually do like each other. The word love is just thrown out there way too much and it pisses me off.
A word that's suppose to be special is being way too abused. Abused by the young immature teenage mind. Abused by men who just wants to get into women's pants. It's just not special anymore and it makes me sad. Ever since freshmen year of high school, I have become a pessmistic about love. The idea of love. Those little proclamations I see in people's profile on AIM, pisses the hell outta me sometimes, because the next day, those dates are gone. Never to be seen again. It's just getting too ridiculous. So people. please. When you say love. Try to mean it. Try to really think about it before you actually say something. Don't let those first few months of happiness fool you into believing that you two are in love. Wait till it gets hard and you guys are there for each other. Just wait before saying something. Because honestly, the ones that don't, in my opinion are just plain stupid. That's the plain and honest truth.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
If there was a question you can have an answer to, what would it be?
I am a Grey's Anatomy Whore. In fact, this blogger is named after an episode. As of this moment, Grey's Anatomy is my anti-drug. It's the show that makes my life goes round. Every Sunday (soon to be Friday) night, I click on the television looking forward to see what is in store for the life of Meredith Grey and the interns of Seattle Grace. The life values and lessons parallels those of what I learn and question each day. The only differences are that my journal is inconspicuous, Grey's Anatomy has a team of much better writers than myself, and I don't have hot men around me (Patrick Dempsey, Isiah Washington, T.R. Knight, and Justin Chambers).
So with my proclamation of love for the wonderful hit show, imagine how I felt when I came home on Thursday night running to my mailbox to find what I was hoping would be in there. My pre-ordered Grey's Anatomy Season Two wrapped up, waiting for me to tear it open and pop in the Dvd player. Since 9 p.m. Thursday night to this morning, I am 75% done with the season and have relived every moment that Meredith Grey had gone through and the inner turmoil she has with herself of what is right and what she wants.
On one episode she acknowledges the problem of knowing things. As a surgeon, and I'm sure for many other people, we do not like that we don't know certain things. It creates a feeling of anxiety and uncertainty. And when you are going to get an answer for something you don't know, the suspense of waiting for it practically kills you. The questions I have ranges from love to friendships. All of which gives me daily migraines due to my incessant problem of overthinking things when it's not an issue of much importance.
So here is my question for you today:
What is something that you don't know but would love to have an answer to? Just one question.
The majority of questions that will be appearing in this blog or those questions that I would love an answer to and really don't matter to a lot of people, but they wander into my head when I have nothing to do (such as while riding the bus) and it continues to irk me throughout the entire day. It happens frequently, and moreso when I see something that disgusts, disturbs, or annoys me which is practically everyday. I take into account of the thing that bothers me and start questioning in every possible way there is. My analyzations and observations can go on for decades so I thought I should get some perspective by creating this blog. Perhaps, theres a minute possibility that others wonder about the same questions that goes through my head. But sometimes the question of why do I even care comes up. It doesn't necessarily affect me, so why should it bother me so much?
I suppose the answer to that question is because I care. I mean, the environment is something I care deeply about. Seeing the human race suffering (starvation, homeless-ness, natural disasters) make me feel weak and useless. My acknowledgement of these problems make me feel somewhat proactive by at least voicing my opinions out there and although it may not really be heard, as long as people can hear me, I am content with that much. And if there's a chance that I can get someone to actually listen to me, then yay for me. The problem with the majority of the population is that they're uneducated, and I am in no way qualified in educating them, but there's that minute chance that when someone reads this blog they can actually realize what's going on. (Although I doubt it, seeing that the readers I have are people I know and well I'm pretty sure they're all smart lol. minus the idiotic "reader" from my second post.)
So with my proclamation of love for the wonderful hit show, imagine how I felt when I came home on Thursday night running to my mailbox to find what I was hoping would be in there. My pre-ordered Grey's Anatomy Season Two wrapped up, waiting for me to tear it open and pop in the Dvd player. Since 9 p.m. Thursday night to this morning, I am 75% done with the season and have relived every moment that Meredith Grey had gone through and the inner turmoil she has with herself of what is right and what she wants.
On one episode she acknowledges the problem of knowing things. As a surgeon, and I'm sure for many other people, we do not like that we don't know certain things. It creates a feeling of anxiety and uncertainty. And when you are going to get an answer for something you don't know, the suspense of waiting for it practically kills you. The questions I have ranges from love to friendships. All of which gives me daily migraines due to my incessant problem of overthinking things when it's not an issue of much importance.
So here is my question for you today:
What is something that you don't know but would love to have an answer to? Just one question.
The majority of questions that will be appearing in this blog or those questions that I would love an answer to and really don't matter to a lot of people, but they wander into my head when I have nothing to do (such as while riding the bus) and it continues to irk me throughout the entire day. It happens frequently, and moreso when I see something that disgusts, disturbs, or annoys me which is practically everyday. I take into account of the thing that bothers me and start questioning in every possible way there is. My analyzations and observations can go on for decades so I thought I should get some perspective by creating this blog. Perhaps, theres a minute possibility that others wonder about the same questions that goes through my head. But sometimes the question of why do I even care comes up. It doesn't necessarily affect me, so why should it bother me so much?
I suppose the answer to that question is because I care. I mean, the environment is something I care deeply about. Seeing the human race suffering (starvation, homeless-ness, natural disasters) make me feel weak and useless. My acknowledgement of these problems make me feel somewhat proactive by at least voicing my opinions out there and although it may not really be heard, as long as people can hear me, I am content with that much. And if there's a chance that I can get someone to actually listen to me, then yay for me. The problem with the majority of the population is that they're uneducated, and I am in no way qualified in educating them, but there's that minute chance that when someone reads this blog they can actually realize what's going on. (Although I doubt it, seeing that the readers I have are people I know and well I'm pretty sure they're all smart lol. minus the idiotic "reader" from my second post.)
Friday, September 08, 2006
Simplicity can be beauty..
Since I was a kid I've always had a liking towards animals and nature. If you ask my friends, they will tell you that my home is just calling me to return to the wild. But my point is that I gained my appreciation for nature when I moved to California and went on my first camping trip in the 5th grade. I found it exhilirating and the view was unbelievably breath-taking. The only part that made the experience bad was my fear of heights. Looking down a 100ft. cliff is not exactly calming to a 10 year old girl who has never gone on a camping trip before.
Growing up as a city girl, I sometimes regret that all this cement took place of what was so beautiful. I watched A New World starring Colin Farrel which was bascially a Pocahontas movie and it was just so pretty. The trees, the waterfall. Just Nature. Before it was touched and harmed by man. It makes me really guilty and disgraced because as a race we believe that we are superior, yet if we were so superior how smart are we to be destroying something so beautiful and pure, something so simple and something that we need so direly because without it we would die. But I shouldn't be talking since I'm not doing anything to prevent it right? I mean, I like many other people take advantage of the luxuries that are provided, especially here in the United States. I have three computers at home, a television, microwave, a fridge. A roof over my head. I feel torned at this moment because I'm unsure of whether I want to continue living this life of luxury or if I really wanna do something to help save what is left of this country. I don't want to become a hermit, but what exactly can one do to help the enviroment? So that's my question for this entry.
"What thoughts do you have about the enviroment? Should we do anything to help preserve what is left? Or do you not care? And why not? What are your opinions of the luxuries that we Americans enjoy and take advantage of sometimes?"
I've always been aware of the enviroment and always make sure I try not to litter and if I do see a big piece of trash, I pick it up too. I went fishing last weekend and I caught one fish, one trash bag, and some other piece of plastic. It made me kind of sad, not because I didn't catch fish, but just how careless people can be sometimes. I saw a basketball floating by, saw meaning that my cousin's girlfriend saw it and told me due to my inability to see. It was something so small but it can affect us a lot if we look at the big picture. Enviromental Science as a whole also helped me on my views of the environment and what I should do to help preserve what is left.
This entry is really dull since it focuses on the environment, but people fail to see it because it is something so simple. A tree. Some water. Who cares? But this attitude is exactly what is wrong because it is something that should be cared about. Those trees are what helps us breathe. That water is what we drink, what we use for electricity, for our showers. It's something that all comes back to us. It's Karma. Sometimes the simple things are the most beautiful things.
Growing up as a city girl, I sometimes regret that all this cement took place of what was so beautiful. I watched A New World starring Colin Farrel which was bascially a Pocahontas movie and it was just so pretty. The trees, the waterfall. Just Nature. Before it was touched and harmed by man. It makes me really guilty and disgraced because as a race we believe that we are superior, yet if we were so superior how smart are we to be destroying something so beautiful and pure, something so simple and something that we need so direly because without it we would die. But I shouldn't be talking since I'm not doing anything to prevent it right? I mean, I like many other people take advantage of the luxuries that are provided, especially here in the United States. I have three computers at home, a television, microwave, a fridge. A roof over my head. I feel torned at this moment because I'm unsure of whether I want to continue living this life of luxury or if I really wanna do something to help save what is left of this country. I don't want to become a hermit, but what exactly can one do to help the enviroment? So that's my question for this entry.
"What thoughts do you have about the enviroment? Should we do anything to help preserve what is left? Or do you not care? And why not? What are your opinions of the luxuries that we Americans enjoy and take advantage of sometimes?"
I've always been aware of the enviroment and always make sure I try not to litter and if I do see a big piece of trash, I pick it up too. I went fishing last weekend and I caught one fish, one trash bag, and some other piece of plastic. It made me kind of sad, not because I didn't catch fish, but just how careless people can be sometimes. I saw a basketball floating by, saw meaning that my cousin's girlfriend saw it and told me due to my inability to see. It was something so small but it can affect us a lot if we look at the big picture. Enviromental Science as a whole also helped me on my views of the environment and what I should do to help preserve what is left.
This entry is really dull since it focuses on the environment, but people fail to see it because it is something so simple. A tree. Some water. Who cares? But this attitude is exactly what is wrong because it is something that should be cared about. Those trees are what helps us breathe. That water is what we drink, what we use for electricity, for our showers. It's something that all comes back to us. It's Karma. Sometimes the simple things are the most beautiful things.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Walking aimlessly in a dark room... Are you?
**Update: Harriet kindly commented while I was typing up this blog, so Thanks Harriet! :)**
My last post got hits but NO COMMENTS! Except for Jessie who kindly left me a comment about how pretty my blog looks. :) So thanks Jessie. But honestly, please, message me. Sounds desperate, but I honestly really would like to know your opinions and thoughts about some of these subjects...
Now to the blog..
So far my proudest moment is when I decided my major to be Oceanography. It's something I always kept in the back of my mind and was unsure about, but I'm about 85% positive that this will be my major. 14.9% will be determined when I take GEOL 12F which is a field work class that involves oceanography and collecting samples and studying it. The 0.1% will be determined by the classes, which involve Calculus for three semesters, Chemistry, Biology, and Physics to name a few. All of which I know nothing of and really am not prepared for. So here's my question for this blog:
"How prepared are you for 'the future'? Are you looking forward to it? Do you feel like you've grown up? And how so?"
For me, I don't feel like I've grown up. I feel really insecure to be truthful. Not as insecure as I was when I was in high school but still, pretty insecure. I still feel like the same girl who talks out against what she doesn't believe in, I'm still the girl who stands her ground, I'm still the girl who is weird and kinda freaks people out sometimes. I still feel me, yet at the same time, I don't. Personally, my views on certain topics have changed, although I'm pro-choice, I started questioning if it came to me would I ever do it? And I never have done that before because I honestly would've got an abortion before that. I started to question the career paths that I should go down: Education? Business? Marine Biologist?
I suppose a part of growing up is finding answers to these questions. Obviously, let your mind mature, and create a more "stable" view of how life is and what should be done with it. But when does that stop? When do we stop living and just become an ordinary citizen that leads a mundane life? Is anyone out there afraid that this will happen to them? I am. I am afraid that, although I enjoy it to a certain extent, that I will become a housewife. That my main job will only be to take care of the kids, cook, and god forbid clean the house. I'm looking forward to traveling, and experiencing. Which is one of the reasons why I'm so interested in my field. I mean, what more to explore and experience than the oceans of the world? How amazing is that? I can travel to so many places with the job I do and I intend to do so. Sophomore year I'm planning to travel abroad to Italy and although it screws up my schedule a bit, I'm nothing more but estactic to do so because its an experience. Who knows when this opportunity will come up again?
I've spent the past 4-5 years questioning about my future. If it really is worth the wait, if there will be more to life than what I'm seeing at the moment, etc. It's a bit selfish and I have been selfish, but it's human. Maybe a little too selfish but I used to feel that all I saw was darkness. There was no light and I have been walking aimlessly in this dark place not knowing where I am, and the dark, truth be told, is terrifying because you have no idea what's there. Who knows if you'll trip or if you'll fall into a ditch. Especially if you're doing it alone. But right now, I sort of see a glimmer of light and I'm heading towards that direction. It's a bit gay but I feel that it's true. Now that I've determined my major, I feel a little more secure about myself of where I'm heading in this dark dark room.
My last post got hits but NO COMMENTS! Except for Jessie who kindly left me a comment about how pretty my blog looks. :) So thanks Jessie. But honestly, please, message me. Sounds desperate, but I honestly really would like to know your opinions and thoughts about some of these subjects...
Now to the blog..
So far my proudest moment is when I decided my major to be Oceanography. It's something I always kept in the back of my mind and was unsure about, but I'm about 85% positive that this will be my major. 14.9% will be determined when I take GEOL 12F which is a field work class that involves oceanography and collecting samples and studying it. The 0.1% will be determined by the classes, which involve Calculus for three semesters, Chemistry, Biology, and Physics to name a few. All of which I know nothing of and really am not prepared for. So here's my question for this blog:
"How prepared are you for 'the future'? Are you looking forward to it? Do you feel like you've grown up? And how so?"
For me, I don't feel like I've grown up. I feel really insecure to be truthful. Not as insecure as I was when I was in high school but still, pretty insecure. I still feel like the same girl who talks out against what she doesn't believe in, I'm still the girl who stands her ground, I'm still the girl who is weird and kinda freaks people out sometimes. I still feel me, yet at the same time, I don't. Personally, my views on certain topics have changed, although I'm pro-choice, I started questioning if it came to me would I ever do it? And I never have done that before because I honestly would've got an abortion before that. I started to question the career paths that I should go down: Education? Business? Marine Biologist?
I suppose a part of growing up is finding answers to these questions. Obviously, let your mind mature, and create a more "stable" view of how life is and what should be done with it. But when does that stop? When do we stop living and just become an ordinary citizen that leads a mundane life? Is anyone out there afraid that this will happen to them? I am. I am afraid that, although I enjoy it to a certain extent, that I will become a housewife. That my main job will only be to take care of the kids, cook, and god forbid clean the house. I'm looking forward to traveling, and experiencing. Which is one of the reasons why I'm so interested in my field. I mean, what more to explore and experience than the oceans of the world? How amazing is that? I can travel to so many places with the job I do and I intend to do so. Sophomore year I'm planning to travel abroad to Italy and although it screws up my schedule a bit, I'm nothing more but estactic to do so because its an experience. Who knows when this opportunity will come up again?
I've spent the past 4-5 years questioning about my future. If it really is worth the wait, if there will be more to life than what I'm seeing at the moment, etc. It's a bit selfish and I have been selfish, but it's human. Maybe a little too selfish but I used to feel that all I saw was darkness. There was no light and I have been walking aimlessly in this dark place not knowing where I am, and the dark, truth be told, is terrifying because you have no idea what's there. Who knows if you'll trip or if you'll fall into a ditch. Especially if you're doing it alone. But right now, I sort of see a glimmer of light and I'm heading towards that direction. It's a bit gay but I feel that it's true. Now that I've determined my major, I feel a little more secure about myself of where I'm heading in this dark dark room.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
How do you achieve happiness?
As a 17-year old freshman attending a community college, I enrolled in a philosophy class that made me realize I had a lot of questions. Questions that I have always had in my mind but never really spoke out about it. So this will be my blog of the questions, comments, and observations that I make on this "journey" of what is called College. Starting from my start at a community college to the moment I graduate from a university. I do not pretend that I am smart, nor intellectual. I acknowledge that I am stupid in many areas, which is why I hope I will have at least one reader to help enlighten me and make me a little smarter in helping me answer some questions I have. I do, however, acknowledge that I am smarter than some people, and I expect to have at least ONE rant of how stupid and idiotic people are.
Now I'll start off by being honest to you. And in no way am I looking or asking for sympathy when I state this. What I am about to state is merely a reason as to why I have this question. I am clinically depressed, and apparently I'm not happy like "normal" people are. Happiness itself is pretty vague. How can we define it. It's not like its something tangible or something we can grasp that we keep in our back pocket, and when needed pull out to stop our tears from spilling out. It is merely a feeling/idea that we have in our head that tells us we are satisfied with life at a particular moment. And in that case, why is it that people don't just fool themself into thinking that they're just happy? In theory, this should work. So what if we don't get that warm, gushy feeling. If we focus on the idea of "happiness", we should get it, no?
Although I have felt happiness before, I apparently am not happy with myself, life, or anything in general. I don't know who is, but apparently, being clinically depressed also names me well.. depressed. So someone who isn't I suppose would be at least content with their life and not go through their day wondering if they should blow their brains out, hang themself with a rope, or if they wish to be passive, down a bottle of happy pills their psychiatrist prescribes them. (Hah, just kidding. Please don't actually go and do these things. And no, I don't think about these things either.) So this is to all the normal people out. How do you achieve happiness? How do you hold on to it? and What's your definition of happiness?
There goes my first entry. Although I've stated I am depressed, I am, at least I think I am getting better. As a 17 year old Asian-American female, my entries will sometimes come off as cynical, crude, and feministic, otherwise bitchy. However, although I am all that, I am also very naive and too easily moved by my heart. One day I may be ranting at the stupidity of the human race, and another day I can express my sympathy to seeing a homeless person. And do expect these blogs to come up because I do feel pretty passionate about the two. I may be a bit kind-hearted, but in no way will I allow anyone to bully me. So that would conclude a brief summary about me.
WARNING: if you are offended in any way, I am not sorry. What I write in here are my beliefs. In no way am I infringing on your rights by expressing what I believe in. If you really do feel strongly about what I write, feel free to create a blog and express yourself, and if you wish leave a comment. I may or may not acknowledge you, but know that I will in no way apologize for something I believe in. Unless I am proven wrong or you can change my beliefs, only then will I truly apologize. Other than that, Read at your own Risk.
In no way is this warning, referring to this post, but to future posts.
Now I'll start off by being honest to you. And in no way am I looking or asking for sympathy when I state this. What I am about to state is merely a reason as to why I have this question. I am clinically depressed, and apparently I'm not happy like "normal" people are. Happiness itself is pretty vague. How can we define it. It's not like its something tangible or something we can grasp that we keep in our back pocket, and when needed pull out to stop our tears from spilling out. It is merely a feeling/idea that we have in our head that tells us we are satisfied with life at a particular moment. And in that case, why is it that people don't just fool themself into thinking that they're just happy? In theory, this should work. So what if we don't get that warm, gushy feeling. If we focus on the idea of "happiness", we should get it, no?
Although I have felt happiness before, I apparently am not happy with myself, life, or anything in general. I don't know who is, but apparently, being clinically depressed also names me well.. depressed. So someone who isn't I suppose would be at least content with their life and not go through their day wondering if they should blow their brains out, hang themself with a rope, or if they wish to be passive, down a bottle of happy pills their psychiatrist prescribes them. (Hah, just kidding. Please don't actually go and do these things. And no, I don't think about these things either.) So this is to all the normal people out. How do you achieve happiness? How do you hold on to it? and What's your definition of happiness?
There goes my first entry. Although I've stated I am depressed, I am, at least I think I am getting better. As a 17 year old Asian-American female, my entries will sometimes come off as cynical, crude, and feministic, otherwise bitchy. However, although I am all that, I am also very naive and too easily moved by my heart. One day I may be ranting at the stupidity of the human race, and another day I can express my sympathy to seeing a homeless person. And do expect these blogs to come up because I do feel pretty passionate about the two. I may be a bit kind-hearted, but in no way will I allow anyone to bully me. So that would conclude a brief summary about me.
WARNING: if you are offended in any way, I am not sorry. What I write in here are my beliefs. In no way am I infringing on your rights by expressing what I believe in. If you really do feel strongly about what I write, feel free to create a blog and express yourself, and if you wish leave a comment. I may or may not acknowledge you, but know that I will in no way apologize for something I believe in. Unless I am proven wrong or you can change my beliefs, only then will I truly apologize. Other than that, Read at your own Risk.
In no way is this warning, referring to this post, but to future posts.
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